Purpose in Pain

There have been some heavy things on my heart and mind the last couple days. I woke up Sunday morning thinking about the challenges my family and I have faced over the last year and a half and how it has affected my faith. Even now I can't recall the verses I was thinking of, but I can recall my frustration as we struggled to get ready for church on time and that I could see on the screen that the message had already started as we were getting our children checked into childcare. We are members at Southeast Christian Church in Louisville and we LOVE our church. They speak truth from the word of God and they never sugar coat it for the sake of making people more comfortable to be there. Christianity is not comfortable, growth and change require some pain and it is easy to feel like an outcast when you embrace Jesus Christ in a world that rejects him. I am not a preacher or theologian, I do not even feel equipped to be a small group leader and I have a terrible memory which won't seem to allow me to memorize as much scripture as I would like, but I do know this, God does not make mistakes. Our current sermon series is on seeing God, and this Sunday it was on "Seeing God in My Pain". I cannot adequately summarize it so I really encourage you to click on the link and watch or listen to it, especially the interview with Cindy Winters, wife of pastor Fred Winters who was killed in his church in Illinois. God knew this was exactly what I needed to hear this day, I don't question that one bit. I had been second guessing myself and my ability to handle difficult circumstances. I grew up with this "suck it up" mentality, in my family it was never acceptable to complain or let difficulties affect your performance. I'm not saying there is necessarily anything wrong with this, to not complain is biblical, but we have to be careful about being too legalistic and find a balance between complaining and sharing our struggles with those who can reach out to us and lift us up in prayer or even grow closer to the Lord because of the struggles we are facing. To not complain does not necessarily mean to keep it to yourself, I think it has more to do with the attitude behind it. As I sat in church on Sunday listening to Kyle share about Job and the incredible pain he experienced and how God redeemed that pain I didn't necessarily feel comforted, in fact I cried through most of the sermon(something I don't really care to do in public), but I did feel hopeful. God's purpose for us is not happiness, but he does love us and He will redeem us, maybe not in this life, but he will. Job's pain was redeemed during his life on earth, he was blessed with family and wealth and I would say he deserved it though no human, fallen as we are, really deserves any blessing we receive. More than that, as Kyle shared, people have been reading his story for years and years and growing closer to the Lord because of it, amazing.

My struggles are pretty minimal compared to most. I have more than adequate shelter and can put food on the table for my family and clothes on their backs. I never had to try to get pregnant, let alone be denied that opportunity altogether and I have not lost a child which I can only imagine is the worst pain possible, and I am a pretty healthy person in general. That said, my pain is still real. The past year and a half has brought financial struggles, unemployment, loss of three loved ones, a difficult pregnancy, being separated from my husband and having to care for my very young children and maintain our household alone, and after months of looking for a job and waiting for answers we still don't know what the future holds for us. Those are not easy burdens to bear, but given the pain Jesus endured for me on the cross it hardly compares. He may redeem it in this life, he may not, it may get worse before it gets better, it may never get better. But the purpose of my life is not for my happiness, it is to bring him glory to God, so my prayer is just that. I will praise him in joy and in pain and hope that someone may grow closer to Jesus because of it. "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God." Romans 8:18-21

Picture Day!

Some might say I'm a little crazy about pictures of my kids. I don't always have time or a free hand to break out my own camera as often as I would like, but I do make sure to take my kiddos regularly to Portrait Innovations and get pictures taken. They're inexpensive and they're used to working with kids so as a general rule they do a really great job. I like to get newborn, 3, 6, and 9 months, one year and every year after that. I just really like to capture those milestones. Of course it also means my house is filled with pictures of my kids and not much other artwork, but I like it that way :)
Yesterday was just such an occasion. The primary goal was 3 month pictures of Walker and 2 year pictures of Will, but of course I couldn't leave Gracie out and my sweet nephew Sawyer came along for some newborn shots. Here are just a few of the 131 shots they took.

Discipline Frustrations

2 days in a row, can you believe it! :) I'm going to try to do better, but no guarantees I won't get busy again and be MIA for a week or 2....


Anyway, here's what's on my mind today. Gracie is going to be 4 in December, but it's been clear to be for quite some time that she has has a strong willed, very independent personality...like since she was 6 months old. Don't ask how I knew, but it's always been pretty obvious to me and the lion is really making it's way out this year. Don't misunderstand, I think these can be wonderful qualities, I would be proud for her to grow up to be a strong, independent woman. Parenting these qualities, however, is entirely another story. I can't predict the future, but I imagine it is only going to get harder! My patience runs out way too soon somedays and really, try prying a 30 pound child off the floor with a baby in one arm, it's a serious physical challenge too! I like to think I am a good parent when it comes to discipline. I started setting boundaries at an early age, teaching choices and consequences and "punishing" appropriately(taking things away, time out, and the occasional spanking). Some days, though, I feel like nothing works with Gracie. Will is very compliant and helpful. He is happy to go to his room and put his toys away (in the appropriate organized bin) the first time I ask almost every time to the extent of the capability of a just turned 2 year old(and if he can't lift it back on the shelf he puts it neatly out of the way or comes to me for help). I think I'm even more amazed at his ability and willingness to do this because compliance has always been a struggle with Gracie. I have pondered and prayed over it wondering what the root of her stubbornness is. Just her personality or something else? I've watched for triggers and tried to make a connection to the difference between the times she is obedient and the times she is not. Sometimes she is just being childish, other times it is clearly downright defiance. All the time it is VERY frustrating! She certainly isn't a terror child, she's very sweet, helpful and compliant a lot of the time, it's just something I see in her that I want to get a handle on while the stakes are low because I know how much harder it will be if I wait. It has been a goal of mine from the beginning to teach my children to have an obedient heart and positive conscience(doing the right thing because it's right rather than out of fear of getting caught)yes people, children have to be taught these things ;). I have spent every spare minute I have combing the internet for good resources and have found a lot of good info. One thing I know I need to work on is my patience with her, that's awfully hard some days when we're running late and trying to get out the door and she's moving at a snail's pace and acting like a typical woman trying to decide what shoes she wants to wear :) As frustrated as I feel sometimes, I still have very high hopes for her and am thankful for the reminder that parenting is as much about growing me as it is about growing my children.

Chaos and Cakes

I just can't seem to keep up these days! It seems like I think of something else that needs done before I've finished the current task and I start my days with a huge to do list of things that needed to be done yesterday, go nonstop all day long and start the horrible cycle again the next day. I find myself missing meals because I get too busy to sit down and suddenly it's 3pm and all I've had all day is a couple cups of tea and a banana. So I'm working on finding ways to stay more organized which does not come naturally to me! John is away again, he took a temporary assignment at Fort McPherson(sp?) in Atlanta to help cover the lag while we wait wait wait for an active duty assignment. Because of this I am spending a lot of time with my parents in Georgetown to have some extra help with the kids. As wonderful as the help is it makes my days at home all the more stressful because I spend them trying to catch up on things that need done there. I am really looking forward to getting back to a "normal" routine. 2 day a week preschool starts in just a few weeks for Gracie and Will(for the first time! He's so excited) and I find myself wondering where the summer went though I should know it just got lost in the blur of a newborn baby and all the other busy-ness that has taken place in the last few months. My brother got married in June, their sweet baby, Sawyer, was born just a week ago and all of this has seemed to overlap with Walker finally sleeping through the night and hitting that 3 month mark I have been looking forward to which means the start of a more normal and manageable routine with him. I am loving the age he is right now, I really love all the baby stages, but this is one of my favorites. Smiles are abundant, he still naps quite a bit during the day, when he is awake he is easily entertained, and he's still a small sweet baby. I just hate that they change so much in the first year! In spite of all the difficulties we are currently facing I would be a fool to not recognize how very blessed I am, my children amaze me daily and my family has been so supportive.
On a sort of unrelated note, making the cake for Brandon and Heidi's wedding gave me the inspiration I needed to pursue cake decorating further. I've taught myself some over the years making cakes for my family, and now I'm taking classes and have even sold a few cakes! Though I still have a long way to go, I feel the Lord has opened a door for me and I'm really excited to see where it will go!
2 quick plugs before I go, I know I only have a handful of readers(if that many!) but just in case...
babywisemom.blogspot.com is an awesome resource for moms of babies, toddlers, and/or preschoolers (or all three if you're like me!). The babywise books have been my go to resource since I was pregnant with Gracie (birthwise) and while I don't agree with/use everything they say, I love most of it and this blog is a great easy way to access and apply some really good parenting info.
cakesbymichelle.weebly.com I've never felt comfortable tooting my own horn so to speak, but yes I already have a (free) website, maybe a little overambitious, but having sold a few cakes and had people show some interest I felt the internet was the easiest way to put my info out there for anyone interested.

One foot in front of the other

It's been a long time, and I probably don't have to tell you why. Taking care of 3 little ones so close together is exhausting to say the least and in the rare few free moments I get in a day you can usually find me curled up on the couch or frantically trying to keep up with the never ending house work. Today though, after spending my morning in the loving presence of my small group at church, I am feeling compelled to share my struggles. I am learning more every day to cling to the truth of God's word and His promises and allow him to work in and through me in every situation. There are a lot of stay at home mom's in our group, and I write a lot about how blessed I feel to be able to stay home with my children, for most mom's it's a choice. But my eyes were opened today to see that it is not a chosen path for many mom's though that's the road they are on. It is so easy to generalize other people's lives by our own and make wrong assumptions about who they are. For a long time now I have been doing this with God. The ongoing struggles I have experienced over the last year and counting have worn me down to a point that I am beginning to believe that God is waiting for me to learn to pick myself up, to do something on my own to improve my situation. There is so much chaos going on in my life right now that it's hard to pinpoint the true source, it's possible I'm dipping my feet in the murky waters of postpartum depression, but it could be that the stress of caring for a new baby and two needy young children combined with the other stresses in my life is wearing me down. John is still unemployed, so not only are our finances a great mess after 21/2 months of practically no income, he is home ALL THE TIME. I don't care how much you love your husband, that is hard on a marriage for a million reasons that I won't bother to list now, not the least of which is needing some alone time every day to appease my very introverted personality. There are other more personal things going on to, but those details would more distract you from the evidence of God's grace and that is not my goal. I can try on my own to figure it out and solve the problem or I can rely on the truth from God's word. "...Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." (1 Peter 5:8-10) I may never know in this life why He is allowing this darkness to continue to hang over me, but I do know there is nothing I can do my cling to him and allow him to lead me through it. It was a hard thing for me today to expose to my group the struggles I am facing. Many faces were familiar, but there were many new faces this semester as well and my stomach churned as my turn came to ask for prayer. I don't have to tell you they embraced my hurt and tears (not that I should have expected any less!) and comforted me as only women who love the Lord really can. I am incredibly grateful for each one of them, spending that short time with them each week is a great blessing and the Lord continues to teach me in spite of myself and in spite of never finishing my homework. "Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there...even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast." (Psalm 139:7-8, 10) It is so comforting to know we are never alone!

A Day in the Life...

When I decided to start this blog I said I would never do this, I thought it would be way to boring for anyone to want to read it. But after the day I had last Monday I just have to share. At the time I thought I was going to loose my mind, but even now it's already almost funny to look back on. It was really more like something you would see in a movie or on t.v. than what life with kids is normally like day to day. A normal day, with just a little organization and consistency, runs pretty smoothly. Of course there's the occasional melt down or tantrum, sometimes in the middle of Target, the kind that cause people to look at you like you're the worst parent on the planet or even, heaven forbid, offer advice or criticism. These people usually don't have children of their own and I'm usually able to resist the urge to criticize back, well some of the time...ok at least I say it in love, that really is true. The little bumps in the road are hardly newsworthy, but occasionally there's a day that's more like a minefield and I am feeling obligated to share because the most comforting thing to most moms on a bad day or in a bad moment is that we are not alone and other moms go through the same thing more regularly that we realize.

Monday was my second day alone with all three kids. While most of the 2 people who will probably read this already know my children's ages, let me restate just in case...Gracie turned 3 in December, Will is going to be 2 in June and Walker was a day shy of 3 weeks old. People who know me, or see me in public with the kids are quick to point out that I have my hands full...no kidding?? It reminds me a little of when I used to take our Great Dane, Charlie, out anywhere and couldn't get three steps without hearing someone make some joke about having a horse for a pet. It did get me out of a ticket once though,"Ya know they make trailers for those things, ha ha ha"... Really, though, it's not as bad as people seem to think. Even more surprising is that it has been easier to go from 2 to 3 than it was from 1 to 2. I didn't say it's easy, just easier!

Monday started only slightly differently than most for us. For one I was running on 2 or 3 1 1/2 to 2 hour naps and looking forward to the kid's nap time before I was out of bed. Usually on a Monday(and Fridays too) we stay home and the kids play, paint, play outside, and rest. It's my day to catch up from the weekend and get some things done around the house and one of 2 days the kids get to stay home all day and make their own schedule (besides meals and sleep which are always the same) and I am usually very flexible about it. We sometimes even stay in our pjs till noon and unless I'm up by 6 or 630 I don't get a shower till nap time. Needless to say, on such little sleep, that was to be the case this day. It's all kind of a blur now, but what I do remember is that after breakfast everything went south. Gracie and Will were at each others throats, verbally and physically abusing one another to the point that I had to drag them to their rooms to separate them on more than one occasion. I know a lot of brothers and sisters regularly fight like this, but that is not usually the norm for us. I'm not supposed to be lifting anything more than 10 pounds for another 3 weeks, they each weigh around 30 plus whatever difficulty they choose to add by either kicking and flailing about or falling limp in a pile on the floor (Gracie's recent specialty). Needless to say, I forgot to eat breakfast which my body choose to remind me loud and clear with an almost fainting spell standing at Walker's changing table that I am nursing a baby and can't go that long without eating. Just when I thought things had settled down a little, Gracie and Will were playing contently together in the living room, and I had a minute to make their lunch (Disney Princess Spaghettio's were the choice of the day) I got it on the table just in time to hear Gracie say "Mama come look what Will did" which is never good and usually translates "come look what Will AND I did that I know we shouldn't have." I took a deep breath and walked into the living room to find that the wall above the entire length of the couch had been decorated with crayon. Walker was screaming and nap time was a mere hour or so away, so with all the self control I could muster I took away the crayons and gave a mild verbal warning and sent them to eat lunch. I am the last person to claim that my children behave perfectly even part of the time, but I usually can trust them to sit at the table and eat their lunch neatly and peacefully with minimal supervision (yes, even spaghettio's). So I got them settled and went to change Walker in an attempt to calm him only to come back and find milk and spaghettio's all over the kitchen table, floor, and the kids. After they "helped" me clean up their mess and finished their lunch (all while listening to Walker scream from his swing) I gave them the usual "you have x minutes to play before nap time" and added "stay where I can see you." I sat down to nurse Walker while they created an obstacle course out of their little soft "reading" chairs. It's not the first time nor will it be the last that they have climbed and jumped and played on them, they are made of foam and cotton and in and of themselves pretty safe. Our living room, being very open in the center with no coffee table could also potentially be a safe place on any other day. On this day, however, after 2 warnings not to play so close to the furniture and one "ok, no more climbing on the chairs" Gracie turned her chair on it's side and jumped on top of it and proceeded to fall face first into the TV console. She was crying, obviously hurt, and bleeding and in my exasperation what was the first thing out of my mouth? Not concern for my poor child or worry over her injuries, no I said "Do you see why I didn't want you climbing on your chair?" Of course I instantly felt guilty and picked her up and panicked as I saw the cut under her eye swell up like a marshmallow in a campfire.

 I'll spare you the details of the next couple of hours except to say that I loaded all three tired and very cranky kids into the car to take Gracie to the doctor. John left work at Ft. Knox and met me there to help with the kids. Gracie's injury turned out to be relatively minor and thankfully didn't need stitches, just a steri strip (which she somehow ripped off the next day) but it's healing fine. The kids didn't get a nap that day, but my sweet husband, who came home from the doctor's office with us since it was too late for him to return to work, allowed me to take a short nap and shower while he and the kids picked up AND vacuumed the house. We had a frozen pizza for dinner and the kids went to bed a little early and so did I. The days since then have gone much more smoothly, but it is still exhausting to keep up with all the responsibilities of caring for 3 young children. I am taking it one day at a time, reminding myself to be thankful for small blessings, and looking forward to the day Walker begins to sleep for longer periods at night. And the truth is, even on days like that, I am so blessed to be a mother :)

Catching Up

I started this last Saturday and never got around to posting it...

Wow I'm having a hard time getting caught up! I guess it's no surprise considering all the major changes that have taken place in the last month and the serious lack of sleep from having 3 kids 3 and under including a less than 3 week old baby. I wouldn't trade it for the world, though, and I say that with all the sincerity I can muster on such little sleep. These early weeks with a new baby are when  I most wish I was a coffee drinker. I've had 2 cups of tea and I'm already working on a diet coke which I don't usually do before noon or more than once a day.  In an effort to have something for myself in the midst of changing diapers and feeding children and cleaning up after them then starting over I'm spending some time on this rainy Derby saturday catching up on blog posts I've missed and trying to update mine in between facilitating the play-doh project going on behind me. Then I'm looking forward to a shower and some alone time by way of a hot chai from Starbucks and a short trip to Kroger. Quite a contrast I'm sure to what people who don't have young children look forward to on a Saturday! :) I'll readily admit that there is a part of me who misses being able to sleep in and enjoy the things I used to on my own schedule, though I sometimes have a hard time recalling what I did with my time before kids. Mostly I think the hardest thing is always having to plan things around someone else's schedule which is especially hard right now with a baby who needs to nurse every three hours around the clock. BUT how lucky am I to be able to be home with them all the time?? I know a lot of moms judge each other for lots of different reasons, the biggest one is usually the debate between stay at home moms and working moms, but I really don't understand why. Moms should support and encourage one another, though I suppose this dynamic is true about most human relationships unfortunately. Anyway, I really admire working moms, and I know there are many who want to be home with their kiddos and can't for various reasons, so whenever I'm feeling overwhelmed and exhausted like I am right now  it really helps to remember how lucky I am to be able to focus 100% on my family without other responsibilities to worry about.