One foot in front of the other

It's been a long time, and I probably don't have to tell you why. Taking care of 3 little ones so close together is exhausting to say the least and in the rare few free moments I get in a day you can usually find me curled up on the couch or frantically trying to keep up with the never ending house work. Today though, after spending my morning in the loving presence of my small group at church, I am feeling compelled to share my struggles. I am learning more every day to cling to the truth of God's word and His promises and allow him to work in and through me in every situation. There are a lot of stay at home mom's in our group, and I write a lot about how blessed I feel to be able to stay home with my children, for most mom's it's a choice. But my eyes were opened today to see that it is not a chosen path for many mom's though that's the road they are on. It is so easy to generalize other people's lives by our own and make wrong assumptions about who they are. For a long time now I have been doing this with God. The ongoing struggles I have experienced over the last year and counting have worn me down to a point that I am beginning to believe that God is waiting for me to learn to pick myself up, to do something on my own to improve my situation. There is so much chaos going on in my life right now that it's hard to pinpoint the true source, it's possible I'm dipping my feet in the murky waters of postpartum depression, but it could be that the stress of caring for a new baby and two needy young children combined with the other stresses in my life is wearing me down. John is still unemployed, so not only are our finances a great mess after 21/2 months of practically no income, he is home ALL THE TIME. I don't care how much you love your husband, that is hard on a marriage for a million reasons that I won't bother to list now, not the least of which is needing some alone time every day to appease my very introverted personality. There are other more personal things going on to, but those details would more distract you from the evidence of God's grace and that is not my goal. I can try on my own to figure it out and solve the problem or I can rely on the truth from God's word. "...Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." (1 Peter 5:8-10) I may never know in this life why He is allowing this darkness to continue to hang over me, but I do know there is nothing I can do my cling to him and allow him to lead me through it. It was a hard thing for me today to expose to my group the struggles I am facing. Many faces were familiar, but there were many new faces this semester as well and my stomach churned as my turn came to ask for prayer. I don't have to tell you they embraced my hurt and tears (not that I should have expected any less!) and comforted me as only women who love the Lord really can. I am incredibly grateful for each one of them, spending that short time with them each week is a great blessing and the Lord continues to teach me in spite of myself and in spite of never finishing my homework. "Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there...even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast." (Psalm 139:7-8, 10) It is so comforting to know we are never alone!

A Day in the Life...

When I decided to start this blog I said I would never do this, I thought it would be way to boring for anyone to want to read it. But after the day I had last Monday I just have to share. At the time I thought I was going to loose my mind, but even now it's already almost funny to look back on. It was really more like something you would see in a movie or on t.v. than what life with kids is normally like day to day. A normal day, with just a little organization and consistency, runs pretty smoothly. Of course there's the occasional melt down or tantrum, sometimes in the middle of Target, the kind that cause people to look at you like you're the worst parent on the planet or even, heaven forbid, offer advice or criticism. These people usually don't have children of their own and I'm usually able to resist the urge to criticize back, well some of the time...ok at least I say it in love, that really is true. The little bumps in the road are hardly newsworthy, but occasionally there's a day that's more like a minefield and I am feeling obligated to share because the most comforting thing to most moms on a bad day or in a bad moment is that we are not alone and other moms go through the same thing more regularly that we realize.

Monday was my second day alone with all three kids. While most of the 2 people who will probably read this already know my children's ages, let me restate just in case...Gracie turned 3 in December, Will is going to be 2 in June and Walker was a day shy of 3 weeks old. People who know me, or see me in public with the kids are quick to point out that I have my hands full...no kidding?? It reminds me a little of when I used to take our Great Dane, Charlie, out anywhere and couldn't get three steps without hearing someone make some joke about having a horse for a pet. It did get me out of a ticket once though,"Ya know they make trailers for those things, ha ha ha"... Really, though, it's not as bad as people seem to think. Even more surprising is that it has been easier to go from 2 to 3 than it was from 1 to 2. I didn't say it's easy, just easier!

Monday started only slightly differently than most for us. For one I was running on 2 or 3 1 1/2 to 2 hour naps and looking forward to the kid's nap time before I was out of bed. Usually on a Monday(and Fridays too) we stay home and the kids play, paint, play outside, and rest. It's my day to catch up from the weekend and get some things done around the house and one of 2 days the kids get to stay home all day and make their own schedule (besides meals and sleep which are always the same) and I am usually very flexible about it. We sometimes even stay in our pjs till noon and unless I'm up by 6 or 630 I don't get a shower till nap time. Needless to say, on such little sleep, that was to be the case this day. It's all kind of a blur now, but what I do remember is that after breakfast everything went south. Gracie and Will were at each others throats, verbally and physically abusing one another to the point that I had to drag them to their rooms to separate them on more than one occasion. I know a lot of brothers and sisters regularly fight like this, but that is not usually the norm for us. I'm not supposed to be lifting anything more than 10 pounds for another 3 weeks, they each weigh around 30 plus whatever difficulty they choose to add by either kicking and flailing about or falling limp in a pile on the floor (Gracie's recent specialty). Needless to say, I forgot to eat breakfast which my body choose to remind me loud and clear with an almost fainting spell standing at Walker's changing table that I am nursing a baby and can't go that long without eating. Just when I thought things had settled down a little, Gracie and Will were playing contently together in the living room, and I had a minute to make their lunch (Disney Princess Spaghettio's were the choice of the day) I got it on the table just in time to hear Gracie say "Mama come look what Will did" which is never good and usually translates "come look what Will AND I did that I know we shouldn't have." I took a deep breath and walked into the living room to find that the wall above the entire length of the couch had been decorated with crayon. Walker was screaming and nap time was a mere hour or so away, so with all the self control I could muster I took away the crayons and gave a mild verbal warning and sent them to eat lunch. I am the last person to claim that my children behave perfectly even part of the time, but I usually can trust them to sit at the table and eat their lunch neatly and peacefully with minimal supervision (yes, even spaghettio's). So I got them settled and went to change Walker in an attempt to calm him only to come back and find milk and spaghettio's all over the kitchen table, floor, and the kids. After they "helped" me clean up their mess and finished their lunch (all while listening to Walker scream from his swing) I gave them the usual "you have x minutes to play before nap time" and added "stay where I can see you." I sat down to nurse Walker while they created an obstacle course out of their little soft "reading" chairs. It's not the first time nor will it be the last that they have climbed and jumped and played on them, they are made of foam and cotton and in and of themselves pretty safe. Our living room, being very open in the center with no coffee table could also potentially be a safe place on any other day. On this day, however, after 2 warnings not to play so close to the furniture and one "ok, no more climbing on the chairs" Gracie turned her chair on it's side and jumped on top of it and proceeded to fall face first into the TV console. She was crying, obviously hurt, and bleeding and in my exasperation what was the first thing out of my mouth? Not concern for my poor child or worry over her injuries, no I said "Do you see why I didn't want you climbing on your chair?" Of course I instantly felt guilty and picked her up and panicked as I saw the cut under her eye swell up like a marshmallow in a campfire.

 I'll spare you the details of the next couple of hours except to say that I loaded all three tired and very cranky kids into the car to take Gracie to the doctor. John left work at Ft. Knox and met me there to help with the kids. Gracie's injury turned out to be relatively minor and thankfully didn't need stitches, just a steri strip (which she somehow ripped off the next day) but it's healing fine. The kids didn't get a nap that day, but my sweet husband, who came home from the doctor's office with us since it was too late for him to return to work, allowed me to take a short nap and shower while he and the kids picked up AND vacuumed the house. We had a frozen pizza for dinner and the kids went to bed a little early and so did I. The days since then have gone much more smoothly, but it is still exhausting to keep up with all the responsibilities of caring for 3 young children. I am taking it one day at a time, reminding myself to be thankful for small blessings, and looking forward to the day Walker begins to sleep for longer periods at night. And the truth is, even on days like that, I am so blessed to be a mother :)

Catching Up

I started this last Saturday and never got around to posting it...

Wow I'm having a hard time getting caught up! I guess it's no surprise considering all the major changes that have taken place in the last month and the serious lack of sleep from having 3 kids 3 and under including a less than 3 week old baby. I wouldn't trade it for the world, though, and I say that with all the sincerity I can muster on such little sleep. These early weeks with a new baby are when  I most wish I was a coffee drinker. I've had 2 cups of tea and I'm already working on a diet coke which I don't usually do before noon or more than once a day.  In an effort to have something for myself in the midst of changing diapers and feeding children and cleaning up after them then starting over I'm spending some time on this rainy Derby saturday catching up on blog posts I've missed and trying to update mine in between facilitating the play-doh project going on behind me. Then I'm looking forward to a shower and some alone time by way of a hot chai from Starbucks and a short trip to Kroger. Quite a contrast I'm sure to what people who don't have young children look forward to on a Saturday! :) I'll readily admit that there is a part of me who misses being able to sleep in and enjoy the things I used to on my own schedule, though I sometimes have a hard time recalling what I did with my time before kids. Mostly I think the hardest thing is always having to plan things around someone else's schedule which is especially hard right now with a baby who needs to nurse every three hours around the clock. BUT how lucky am I to be able to be home with them all the time?? I know a lot of moms judge each other for lots of different reasons, the biggest one is usually the debate between stay at home moms and working moms, but I really don't understand why. Moms should support and encourage one another, though I suppose this dynamic is true about most human relationships unfortunately. Anyway, I really admire working moms, and I know there are many who want to be home with their kiddos and can't for various reasons, so whenever I'm feeling overwhelmed and exhausted like I am right now  it really helps to remember how lucky I am to be able to focus 100% on my family without other responsibilities to worry about.

The Beginning of a Turn Around

It has been a long time, I don't even know where to start!! I was without a computer for most of the last month and a half which we have just gotten to, it was pretty far down our to do list. You would be amazed at the things that can pile up in a year! That said, I can't believe John is finally home for good!! It's been such a long and difficult year, and though we're still unsure about the job situation (he is currently working at Ft. Knox on a temporary basis) I can see the beginning of a turn around. TOMORROW morning I'll go in for my third (and likely final) c-section and we'll welcome a new baby to our family. The stance so many in our culture have taken to support abortion may seem to diminish it, but each new life is a miracle and we are thrilled to finally welcome this unexpected new addition to our family! I can say without hesitation that this has been my most difficult pregnancy by far! No doubt it had more to do with being over stressed and under rested with John away, loosing 3 loved ones in such a short time, and worry about my mom in the aftermath of those tragedies than anything that was a direct result of the pregnancy itself; but the almost constant contractions and other scares that the baby might come earlier than what was safe make me more thankful than you could ever know that I am still pregnant at 38 weeks (no matter how uncomfortable I am!). I have been so blessed by the women in my small group, friends, and family who have prayed for me and supported me than any of them will ever know. Beth Moore's Esther study couldn't have come at a more appropriate time in my life. I may not be able to feel God's presence all the time, but I KNOW He is there and doing amazing things. He worked no less powerfully in Esther's story where there is no mention of His name than in every other book that bears it. And more than that it renewed my love for deeply studying God's word and seeing how beautifully and purposefully he has been weaving his story together since the beginning. He has answered my prayers when I couldn't put together the words through exhaustion and tears and I know he is working on me :) One of the most prominent things I learned during this study is that the most frequent command (or one of the most?) in the Bible is some version of "Do not be afraid" and yet I have to admit I have some fears for how tomorrow will go and what it will be like to have a newborn, 3 year old and almost 2 year old at home, to not know what kind of job John will get, when, or where that may be...but what a blessing to be able to say that whatever happens it will be ok!!  I might even get some funny stories out of it and, better yet, maybe I can find 10 minutes to share them with you! :) 

A Mother's Guilt

I always heard people talk about "mother's guilt" before I had children of my own, but like so many other things about motherhood, you can never fully understand or appreciate it until you've lived it. Like anything else, some days it's worse than others, but for a person who struggles with misplaced guilt anyway, it's ALWAYS in the back of my mind. I feel guilty for so many things (sometimes all in one day!) that I never imagined feeling guilty for. Like taking a nap or catching up on a t.v. show or 3 while my children nap in the afternoon instead of tackling my to do list for the day, or the handful of times I've taken a trip for a few days and left them with my mom (I usually feel more guilty about leaving them than how much I miss them while I'm gone!), or letting them watch t.v. so I can get something done (or take a shower!!), or not spending enough time with them on any given day, or letting them eat some unhealthy snack before dinner just so I can get dinner finished! I could go on and on, and of course I try to reason with myself about how nobody is perfect or there is nothing wrong with taking time for myself every now and then, but the guilt never seems to fully go away. Then, of course, there's the one legitimate guilt that I'm sure almost every mother experiences from time to time when your children push the wrong button and you loose your temper and yell at them louder than you should or hand out some other unwarranted punishment because you're angry rather than because it fits the offense. That is the worst! But, in my short 3+ years of experience as a mom I have figured out this one thing at least. As unpleasant as the guilt may be, it only comes out of love and wanting to be the best mom I can to my babies. I'm not here to be their best friend and make them happy all the time. As much as I want to it's just not the best thing for them, they need to learn discipline and boundaries. And as much as I sometimes hate to admit it, taking better care of myself will ultimately make me a better mom in so many ways. So I'm going leave the kiddos with Granddad for a few hours this weekend and go get my birthday pedicure with my mom and maybe do some shopping (the kind where I don't have to monitor little sticky fingers that like to try to pull everything off the shelf as we go by, or get everything done in a hurry in case someone has a meltdown in the middle of the store forcing me to make a premature exit), and I'll remind myself, probably more than once, that it's as good for them as it is for me to get some time away every now and then, not to mention the great bonding time they'll get with my dad while I'm gone :)

6 weeks and counting!

It seems like it should get easier each time John leaves after a visit home, but it doesn't. He's been gone for almost 11 months now and we've had a handful of visits, mostly over long weekends like this past one and it always seems like they're over before they've even begun. Just about the time the kids get adjusted to him being home, Gracie is laying in be with us on the morning he has to leave, just like she does every day he is home, asking him in her own sweet way not to go back. She only ever succeeds in keeping him here an extra hour or two. I can't help but wonder what Will thinks about all this. He was about 9 months old when John left and has mostly gotten to know him through a web cam, pictures, and these occasional trips home.  Amazingly, though, he is always just as excited to see him as Gracie and I and never has to take time to get reacquainted with him like I'm always afraid he will. It is an adjustment for both of them when he is here, though. Like most kids, the excitement, change of pace, and missing daily routine they've grown accustomed to is hard for them to comprehend and it comes out in their behavior, especially Gracie's. I can't help but be a little fearful of what it's going to be like around here 6 weeks from now when he comes home for good and we bring a new baby into the picture shortly thereafter. Not to mention the very likely possibility that we will have to move because whatever job John ends up with (sooner than later I hope!) may be somewhere outside of the city or state or won't pay enough for us to stay in this house. That's a lot for me, so I can't imagine how difficult it might be for 2 young kids who can't wrap their mind around all the huge changes that are about to take place. 

That said, I can't wait for him to come back, to stop feeling like a single parent, to stop having to try to explain to Gracie how long it will be before she sees him again, and to have a normal relationship with my husband. We've survived this long, the next six weeks should be a piece of cake. At least provided I don't have to make any more premature trips to the hospital! It serves me right I guess for trying to do more than I should have to ensure that John finished everything on his exhausting to do list and still had time to spend with the kids. But it all got done and they definitely got some time together Sunday afternoon while I was hanging out in the hospital having more contractions than I should at 30 weeks. They eventually had to give me medicine to stop them, but everything is fine now and I have learned my lesson...I hope! God has been faithful in so many ways even (maybe especially) in the moments, days, or weeks when I can't find the energy or the right words to call on him for help. And I know he will continue to be faithful in the future, however unknown. 

Guys and Dolls

You know all those theories and studies about kids and gender specific toys? The ones where they put a masculine and feminine toy in a room and the boys gravitate to the "boy toys" and the girls gravitate to the "girly toys"...I'm pretty sure they can't be as accurate as they let on, at least I'm sure that game would not work with my kids. Will learned to say "princess" and "baby" way before he learned to say "dinosaur" and "car" and the very first time I took Gracie to Target with her own money and let her pick out a toy she chose a bucket of dinosaurs. Don't get me wrong, Gracie is about as girly as I can stand for her to be, she loves to paint her nails (and Will's! though I only let that happen once) and play dress up and reminds me every day that she's a princess. And Will loves to play with cars and his tool bench and throw balls and, as much as I hate it, has a new found fondness for spitting...which he learned from Gracie. Truthfully though, I don't think I would have it any other way. I'm not sure why it bothers John so much more that Will likes to play with Gracie's baby dolls and barbies than it does that Gracie likes to play with dinosaurs and throw rocks and sticks in the creek. I just think it's great that they have so much fun playing together. If they want to do a study that would be worthwhile they should put a cardboard box and some exciting new toy in a room and see if they can figure out why kids loose interest in the toy in about 30 seconds but will play with the box for hours. AND, even more importantly, when will they start making a toy vacuum that really works?!?!