Answered Prayer

I will admit I am pretty much the worst blogger in the history of blogging. I won't even make up an excuse this time, because the truth is you make time for the things that are important and most days blogging just isn't it. With three young kids constantly demanding my attention there are days I can feel drained before I've even started and when I do have downtime the last thing I want to do is sit at the computer and type about...nothing. I've shared quite enough about what a difficult season we've been in and honestly there's not much else to say. The daily grind has drained me so that the last thing I want to do is write about the monotony. In fact I can be known to snap pretty fiercely at my husband should he dare to walk in the door and ask "What did you do today?" He's learned to ask questions like "How was Bible Study?"(because I am almost always in a good mood when I've actually showered and dressed up a little and gotten out of the house)"Can I help you with that" or most appropriately lately simply take the unusually fussy baby (7 teeth within about 2 weeks people!) from my very tired arms and let me walk without a word to the bathroom, lock the door and take the shower I didn't have time for that day...or the day before sometimes. I love my kids so much, though. Gracie is going to be four in less than two weeks, Will is making his transformation from baby to little boy and Walker is sitting up in his high chair eating babyfood...I just don't know where the time is going! Even on those hardest of days when everyone is grumpy I still find myself wishing life would slow down just a little.

Today was our last day of Bible Study until January, "celebration day". The holiday season is so wonderfully busy I probably won't miss it as much as I think I will, but it's just especially bittersweet today. I've been blessed in some way by every Bible Study I've done, but this was was extra special. We did the God Seeker Study by Kristen Sauder, and in the beginning I rose early in the morning as often as I could(translate wanted to and had nothing more pressing, like more sleep) to have my quiet time and work on my "heartwork" but about halfway through the study, maybe a little earlier the transformation began. We were studying Exodus 33, particularly verse 7 about Moses and the tent of meeting.

"Now Moses used to take a tent and pitch it outside the camp some distance away, calling it the "tent of meeting." Anyone inquiring of the LORD would go to the tent of meeting outside the camp."

Before this study my quiet times were somewhat regular and I was in Bible Study each semester studying the word, but I was not wholeheartedly seeking God. I moved my "tent" to a more secluded and quiet spot and began making a daily habit of rising obediently at about 5:30 to meet with God, wholeheartedly seeking him. Making the decision to do that has transformed my heart almost as powerfully as when I first accepted Christ. If you have not experienced it yourself it is my prayer that you find that being a Christian is not about praying to a distant and abstract God, but one who will speak to you "as a man speaks to his friend."(33:11) I still, of course, have a long way to go. It is a lifelong process that, not unlike motherhood, is painful and yet so very rewarding. Through this process I have been praying quite adamantly on my face for an end to our seemingly never ending search for an answer about John's employment situation. He has been on temporary orders at Ft. Knox which end Dec. 11, we have bills that are behind, Gracie's birthday, Christmas, and a trip to Disney(planned and mostly paid for over a year ago) coming up. Today God has begun to answer many prayers that have been prayed by me and others. I'm quite sure, though I'll never be positive this side of heaven, that his waiting had a lot to do with work he was doing in me. I can now let go of my pride and tell you there was a time I was angry at God for making me suffer when John was the one who needed to change. He was, after all, the one looking for a job with no luck. While it may be that He was working on both of us, now that He has removed the log from my eyes, I am not sure how I saw around it to find fault in John or anyone else for that matter. I feel amazingly freed and humbled and I am so thankful even for the painful process that got me here. I finally gave in and shared today (quite reluctantly in fact) a little bit about how this study has transformed me and got to my car to see that I had 3 text messages from John. The military has finally medically cleared him (we have been waiting on this for a long long time) and we were not only approved in about 24 hours for an interest free sort of emergency relief loan through military but he already had the check which will bring all of our bills up to date (we have till April to start paying it back and it will remain interest free through the life of the loan). I am so joyful about this amazing news that I am reluctant even to mention that this isn't quite it. He has to be assigned a duty station and given official orders still. I will continue to pray that he is able to stay at Ft. Knox because I am just not ready to leave Louisville right now for so many reasons. But I will obediently follow wherever he leads if I must, how could I not?

One More Thing

Dare I ask what else could go wrong?? Honestly...a lot, so I won't, but really I hope something gives soon. Yesterday on the way to church the battery light came on in the Suburban(the car I have to drive to fit all three kiddos safely in car seats when I'd really much rather be driving my smaller safer easier to park Discovery) then the radio went out as I pulled into the parking lot, then the air stopped working as we drove around looking for a parking spot. I'm no mechanic, but I know these are not good signs so I tried to call John (7 hours away in Atlanta) to prepare for what I could only assume would be a car that wouldn't start by the time we were ready to head home. No answer, but sure enough I was right. I got out to the car in the 95 degree heat and to my relief it started, but by the time I had strapped all three kiddos securely into their car seats and loaded up the stroller, etc...it died. What?!?! I prayed "Please just let me get home!" I got the kids back out of the car and parked them in the shade of a nearby tree to try to keep them out of the heat while I tried to figure out what to do, I popped the hood, but that's about the extent of my car repair abilities. No one I know that would have been close by has a car big enough for me plus 3 car seats and much to my disappointment many many people drove by without offering to help a single mother with 3 kids three and under stranded in the heat. Finally a man stopped by and attempted to jump start the car. It started, he left, and as he was pulling out of the parking lot it died again. The parking lot was nearly empty and I was unloading the stroller to take the kids inside to get some lunch at the cafe and cool down assuming I would have to wait a while for a ride home when a family of 4 came by and offered to help. After I explained the situation the wife and 2 kids offered to stay at church while the man took me and my kids home. He is an officer with the Louisville metro police department and I felt at ease(and also desperate to get my children home and out of the heat). So I loaded all three car seats into the back of his old Buick sedan and he drove us home only to realize I had neglected to get the house key and garage door opener out of the truck before we left. I unloaded the kids and we waited in the shade while he went back to pick up his family and my house key. While we waited I thought and prayed about all the things that had gone wrong in the last 16 months...Single parent to 2 kids for a year while John was away, deaths of 3 loved ones, difficult pregnancy, John comes home unemployed, the stress of taking care of 3 kids 3 and under when one is a newborn, alternator goes out in the Discovery, water heater busts, John has to leave again, single parent to 3 kids, still no word on active duty assignment...suburban dies. I suppose I would be pretty justified to be depressed or at least down, but then I thought about all the blessings I have and how much closer I am to Jesus than I was before all this. Our basic needs are met and then some, we're nowhere close to loosing our house, we have cars to drive, good food on the table, my family has been supportive and helpful, and most importantly I have 3 beautiful healthy children. There may be a lot of things I want, but I have everything I need, for my father in heaven know what I need even before I ask him (Matthew 6:8)Comforting to know on days like yesterday when I try to pray but can't seem to find the right words. The thing I'm most thankful for though, last night before bed when we were praying Gracie prayed "Thank you that we got to play outside in the grass at church and please help us so our car will be fixed." What a blessing to have a child that can see the good in a bad situation.

Purpose in Pain

There have been some heavy things on my heart and mind the last couple days. I woke up Sunday morning thinking about the challenges my family and I have faced over the last year and a half and how it has affected my faith. Even now I can't recall the verses I was thinking of, but I can recall my frustration as we struggled to get ready for church on time and that I could see on the screen that the message had already started as we were getting our children checked into childcare. We are members at Southeast Christian Church in Louisville and we LOVE our church. They speak truth from the word of God and they never sugar coat it for the sake of making people more comfortable to be there. Christianity is not comfortable, growth and change require some pain and it is easy to feel like an outcast when you embrace Jesus Christ in a world that rejects him. I am not a preacher or theologian, I do not even feel equipped to be a small group leader and I have a terrible memory which won't seem to allow me to memorize as much scripture as I would like, but I do know this, God does not make mistakes. Our current sermon series is on seeing God, and this Sunday it was on "Seeing God in My Pain". I cannot adequately summarize it so I really encourage you to click on the link and watch or listen to it, especially the interview with Cindy Winters, wife of pastor Fred Winters who was killed in his church in Illinois. God knew this was exactly what I needed to hear this day, I don't question that one bit. I had been second guessing myself and my ability to handle difficult circumstances. I grew up with this "suck it up" mentality, in my family it was never acceptable to complain or let difficulties affect your performance. I'm not saying there is necessarily anything wrong with this, to not complain is biblical, but we have to be careful about being too legalistic and find a balance between complaining and sharing our struggles with those who can reach out to us and lift us up in prayer or even grow closer to the Lord because of the struggles we are facing. To not complain does not necessarily mean to keep it to yourself, I think it has more to do with the attitude behind it. As I sat in church on Sunday listening to Kyle share about Job and the incredible pain he experienced and how God redeemed that pain I didn't necessarily feel comforted, in fact I cried through most of the sermon(something I don't really care to do in public), but I did feel hopeful. God's purpose for us is not happiness, but he does love us and He will redeem us, maybe not in this life, but he will. Job's pain was redeemed during his life on earth, he was blessed with family and wealth and I would say he deserved it though no human, fallen as we are, really deserves any blessing we receive. More than that, as Kyle shared, people have been reading his story for years and years and growing closer to the Lord because of it, amazing.

My struggles are pretty minimal compared to most. I have more than adequate shelter and can put food on the table for my family and clothes on their backs. I never had to try to get pregnant, let alone be denied that opportunity altogether and I have not lost a child which I can only imagine is the worst pain possible, and I am a pretty healthy person in general. That said, my pain is still real. The past year and a half has brought financial struggles, unemployment, loss of three loved ones, a difficult pregnancy, being separated from my husband and having to care for my very young children and maintain our household alone, and after months of looking for a job and waiting for answers we still don't know what the future holds for us. Those are not easy burdens to bear, but given the pain Jesus endured for me on the cross it hardly compares. He may redeem it in this life, he may not, it may get worse before it gets better, it may never get better. But the purpose of my life is not for my happiness, it is to bring him glory to God, so my prayer is just that. I will praise him in joy and in pain and hope that someone may grow closer to Jesus because of it. "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God." Romans 8:18-21

Picture Day!

Some might say I'm a little crazy about pictures of my kids. I don't always have time or a free hand to break out my own camera as often as I would like, but I do make sure to take my kiddos regularly to Portrait Innovations and get pictures taken. They're inexpensive and they're used to working with kids so as a general rule they do a really great job. I like to get newborn, 3, 6, and 9 months, one year and every year after that. I just really like to capture those milestones. Of course it also means my house is filled with pictures of my kids and not much other artwork, but I like it that way :)
Yesterday was just such an occasion. The primary goal was 3 month pictures of Walker and 2 year pictures of Will, but of course I couldn't leave Gracie out and my sweet nephew Sawyer came along for some newborn shots. Here are just a few of the 131 shots they took.

Discipline Frustrations

2 days in a row, can you believe it! :) I'm going to try to do better, but no guarantees I won't get busy again and be MIA for a week or 2....


Anyway, here's what's on my mind today. Gracie is going to be 4 in December, but it's been clear to be for quite some time that she has has a strong willed, very independent personality...like since she was 6 months old. Don't ask how I knew, but it's always been pretty obvious to me and the lion is really making it's way out this year. Don't misunderstand, I think these can be wonderful qualities, I would be proud for her to grow up to be a strong, independent woman. Parenting these qualities, however, is entirely another story. I can't predict the future, but I imagine it is only going to get harder! My patience runs out way too soon somedays and really, try prying a 30 pound child off the floor with a baby in one arm, it's a serious physical challenge too! I like to think I am a good parent when it comes to discipline. I started setting boundaries at an early age, teaching choices and consequences and "punishing" appropriately(taking things away, time out, and the occasional spanking). Some days, though, I feel like nothing works with Gracie. Will is very compliant and helpful. He is happy to go to his room and put his toys away (in the appropriate organized bin) the first time I ask almost every time to the extent of the capability of a just turned 2 year old(and if he can't lift it back on the shelf he puts it neatly out of the way or comes to me for help). I think I'm even more amazed at his ability and willingness to do this because compliance has always been a struggle with Gracie. I have pondered and prayed over it wondering what the root of her stubbornness is. Just her personality or something else? I've watched for triggers and tried to make a connection to the difference between the times she is obedient and the times she is not. Sometimes she is just being childish, other times it is clearly downright defiance. All the time it is VERY frustrating! She certainly isn't a terror child, she's very sweet, helpful and compliant a lot of the time, it's just something I see in her that I want to get a handle on while the stakes are low because I know how much harder it will be if I wait. It has been a goal of mine from the beginning to teach my children to have an obedient heart and positive conscience(doing the right thing because it's right rather than out of fear of getting caught)yes people, children have to be taught these things ;). I have spent every spare minute I have combing the internet for good resources and have found a lot of good info. One thing I know I need to work on is my patience with her, that's awfully hard some days when we're running late and trying to get out the door and she's moving at a snail's pace and acting like a typical woman trying to decide what shoes she wants to wear :) As frustrated as I feel sometimes, I still have very high hopes for her and am thankful for the reminder that parenting is as much about growing me as it is about growing my children.

Chaos and Cakes

I just can't seem to keep up these days! It seems like I think of something else that needs done before I've finished the current task and I start my days with a huge to do list of things that needed to be done yesterday, go nonstop all day long and start the horrible cycle again the next day. I find myself missing meals because I get too busy to sit down and suddenly it's 3pm and all I've had all day is a couple cups of tea and a banana. So I'm working on finding ways to stay more organized which does not come naturally to me! John is away again, he took a temporary assignment at Fort McPherson(sp?) in Atlanta to help cover the lag while we wait wait wait for an active duty assignment. Because of this I am spending a lot of time with my parents in Georgetown to have some extra help with the kids. As wonderful as the help is it makes my days at home all the more stressful because I spend them trying to catch up on things that need done there. I am really looking forward to getting back to a "normal" routine. 2 day a week preschool starts in just a few weeks for Gracie and Will(for the first time! He's so excited) and I find myself wondering where the summer went though I should know it just got lost in the blur of a newborn baby and all the other busy-ness that has taken place in the last few months. My brother got married in June, their sweet baby, Sawyer, was born just a week ago and all of this has seemed to overlap with Walker finally sleeping through the night and hitting that 3 month mark I have been looking forward to which means the start of a more normal and manageable routine with him. I am loving the age he is right now, I really love all the baby stages, but this is one of my favorites. Smiles are abundant, he still naps quite a bit during the day, when he is awake he is easily entertained, and he's still a small sweet baby. I just hate that they change so much in the first year! In spite of all the difficulties we are currently facing I would be a fool to not recognize how very blessed I am, my children amaze me daily and my family has been so supportive.
On a sort of unrelated note, making the cake for Brandon and Heidi's wedding gave me the inspiration I needed to pursue cake decorating further. I've taught myself some over the years making cakes for my family, and now I'm taking classes and have even sold a few cakes! Though I still have a long way to go, I feel the Lord has opened a door for me and I'm really excited to see where it will go!
2 quick plugs before I go, I know I only have a handful of readers(if that many!) but just in case...
babywisemom.blogspot.com is an awesome resource for moms of babies, toddlers, and/or preschoolers (or all three if you're like me!). The babywise books have been my go to resource since I was pregnant with Gracie (birthwise) and while I don't agree with/use everything they say, I love most of it and this blog is a great easy way to access and apply some really good parenting info.
cakesbymichelle.weebly.com I've never felt comfortable tooting my own horn so to speak, but yes I already have a (free) website, maybe a little overambitious, but having sold a few cakes and had people show some interest I felt the internet was the easiest way to put my info out there for anyone interested.

One foot in front of the other

It's been a long time, and I probably don't have to tell you why. Taking care of 3 little ones so close together is exhausting to say the least and in the rare few free moments I get in a day you can usually find me curled up on the couch or frantically trying to keep up with the never ending house work. Today though, after spending my morning in the loving presence of my small group at church, I am feeling compelled to share my struggles. I am learning more every day to cling to the truth of God's word and His promises and allow him to work in and through me in every situation. There are a lot of stay at home mom's in our group, and I write a lot about how blessed I feel to be able to stay home with my children, for most mom's it's a choice. But my eyes were opened today to see that it is not a chosen path for many mom's though that's the road they are on. It is so easy to generalize other people's lives by our own and make wrong assumptions about who they are. For a long time now I have been doing this with God. The ongoing struggles I have experienced over the last year and counting have worn me down to a point that I am beginning to believe that God is waiting for me to learn to pick myself up, to do something on my own to improve my situation. There is so much chaos going on in my life right now that it's hard to pinpoint the true source, it's possible I'm dipping my feet in the murky waters of postpartum depression, but it could be that the stress of caring for a new baby and two needy young children combined with the other stresses in my life is wearing me down. John is still unemployed, so not only are our finances a great mess after 21/2 months of practically no income, he is home ALL THE TIME. I don't care how much you love your husband, that is hard on a marriage for a million reasons that I won't bother to list now, not the least of which is needing some alone time every day to appease my very introverted personality. There are other more personal things going on to, but those details would more distract you from the evidence of God's grace and that is not my goal. I can try on my own to figure it out and solve the problem or I can rely on the truth from God's word. "...Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." (1 Peter 5:8-10) I may never know in this life why He is allowing this darkness to continue to hang over me, but I do know there is nothing I can do my cling to him and allow him to lead me through it. It was a hard thing for me today to expose to my group the struggles I am facing. Many faces were familiar, but there were many new faces this semester as well and my stomach churned as my turn came to ask for prayer. I don't have to tell you they embraced my hurt and tears (not that I should have expected any less!) and comforted me as only women who love the Lord really can. I am incredibly grateful for each one of them, spending that short time with them each week is a great blessing and the Lord continues to teach me in spite of myself and in spite of never finishing my homework. "Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there...even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast." (Psalm 139:7-8, 10) It is so comforting to know we are never alone!