Thursday, June 11, 2009
It's been a long time, and I probably don't have to tell you why. Taking care of 3 little ones so close together is exhausting to say the least and in the rare few free moments I get in a day you can usually find me curled up on the couch or frantically trying to keep up with the never ending house work. Today though, after spending my morning in the loving presence of my small group at church, I am feeling compelled to share my struggles. I am learning more every day to cling to the truth of God's word and His promises and allow him to work in and through me in every situation. There are a lot of stay at home mom's in our group, and I write a lot about how blessed I feel to be able to stay home with my children, for most mom's it's a choice. But my eyes were opened today to see that it is not a chosen path for many mom's though that's the road they are on. It is so easy to generalize other people's lives by our own and make wrong assumptions about who they are. For a long time now I have been doing this with God. The ongoing struggles I have experienced over the last year and counting have worn me down to a point that I am beginning to believe that God is waiting for me to learn to pick myself up, to do something on my own to improve my situation. There is so much chaos going on in my life right now that it's hard to pinpoint the true source, it's possible I'm dipping my feet in the murky waters of postpartum depression, but it could be that the stress of caring for a new baby and two needy young children combined with the other stresses in my life is wearing me down. John is still unemployed, so not only are our finances a great mess after 21/2 months of practically no income, he is home ALL THE TIME. I don't care how much you love your husband, that is hard on a marriage for a million reasons that I won't bother to list now, not the least of which is needing some alone time every day to appease my very introverted personality. There are other more personal things going on to, but those details would more distract you from the evidence of God's grace and that is not my goal. I can try on my own to figure it out and solve the problem or I can rely on the truth from God's word. "...Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." (1 Peter 5:8-10) I may never know in this life why He is allowing this darkness to continue to hang over me, but I do know there is nothing I can do my cling to him and allow him to lead me through it. It was a hard thing for me today to expose to my group the struggles I am facing. Many faces were familiar, but there were many new faces this semester as well and my stomach churned as my turn came to ask for prayer. I don't have to tell you they embraced my hurt and tears (not that I should have expected any less!) and comforted me as only women who love the Lord really can. I am incredibly grateful for each one of them, spending that short time with them each week is a great blessing and the Lord continues to teach me in spite of myself and in spite of never finishing my homework. "Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there...even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast." (Psalm 139:7-8, 10) It is so comforting to know we are never alone!