I will admit I am pretty much the worst blogger in the history of blogging. I won't even make up an excuse this time, because the truth is you make time for the things that are important and most days blogging just isn't it. With three young kids constantly demanding my attention there are days I can feel drained before I've even started and when I do have downtime the last thing I want to do is sit at the computer and type about...nothing. I've shared quite enough about what a difficult season we've been in and honestly there's not much else to say. The daily grind has drained me so that the last thing I want to do is write about the monotony. In fact I can be known to snap pretty fiercely at my husband should he dare to walk in the door and ask "What did you do today?" He's learned to ask questions like "How was Bible Study?"(because I am almost always in a good mood when I've actually showered and dressed up a little and gotten out of the house)"Can I help you with that" or most appropriately lately simply take the unusually fussy baby (7 teeth within about 2 weeks people!) from my very tired arms and let me walk without a word to the bathroom, lock the door and take the shower I didn't have time for that day...or the day before sometimes. I love my kids so much, though. Gracie is going to be four in less than two weeks, Will is making his transformation from baby to little boy and Walker is sitting up in his high chair eating babyfood...I just don't know where the time is going! Even on those hardest of days when everyone is grumpy I still find myself wishing life would slow down just a little.
Today was our last day of Bible Study until January, "celebration day". The holiday season is so wonderfully busy I probably won't miss it as much as I think I will, but it's just especially bittersweet today. I've been blessed in some way by every Bible Study I've done, but this was was extra special. We did the God Seeker Study by Kristen Sauder, and in the beginning I rose early in the morning as often as I could(translate wanted to and had nothing more pressing, like more sleep) to have my quiet time and work on my "heartwork" but about halfway through the study, maybe a little earlier the transformation began. We were studying Exodus 33, particularly verse 7 about Moses and the tent of meeting.
"Now Moses used to take a tent and pitch it outside the camp some distance away, calling it the "tent of meeting." Anyone inquiring of the LORD would go to the tent of meeting outside the camp."
Before this study my quiet times were somewhat regular and I was in Bible Study each semester studying the word, but I was not wholeheartedly seeking God. I moved my "tent" to a more secluded and quiet spot and began making a daily habit of rising obediently at about 5:30 to meet with God, wholeheartedly seeking him. Making the decision to do that has transformed my heart almost as powerfully as when I first accepted Christ. If you have not experienced it yourself it is my prayer that you find that being a Christian is not about praying to a distant and abstract God, but one who will speak to you "as a man speaks to his friend."(33:11) I still, of course, have a long way to go. It is a lifelong process that, not unlike motherhood, is painful and yet so very rewarding. Through this process I have been praying quite adamantly on my face for an end to our seemingly never ending search for an answer about John's employment situation. He has been on temporary orders at Ft. Knox which end Dec. 11, we have bills that are behind, Gracie's birthday, Christmas, and a trip to Disney(planned and mostly paid for over a year ago) coming up. Today God has begun to answer many prayers that have been prayed by me and others. I'm quite sure, though I'll never be positive this side of heaven, that his waiting had a lot to do with work he was doing in me. I can now let go of my pride and tell you there was a time I was angry at God for making me suffer when John was the one who needed to change. He was, after all, the one looking for a job with no luck. While it may be that He was working on both of us, now that He has removed the log from my eyes, I am not sure how I saw around it to find fault in John or anyone else for that matter. I feel amazingly freed and humbled and I am so thankful even for the painful process that got me here. I finally gave in and shared today (quite reluctantly in fact) a little bit about how this study has transformed me and got to my car to see that I had 3 text messages from John. The military has finally medically cleared him (we have been waiting on this for a long long time) and we were not only approved in about 24 hours for an interest free sort of emergency relief loan through military but he already had the check which will bring all of our bills up to date (we have till April to start paying it back and it will remain interest free through the life of the loan). I am so joyful about this amazing news that I am reluctant even to mention that this isn't quite it. He has to be assigned a duty station and given official orders still. I will continue to pray that he is able to stay at Ft. Knox because I am just not ready to leave Louisville right now for so many reasons. But I will obediently follow wherever he leads if I must, how could I not?
